Ever since Chris Thurman, a psychologist, spoke at a recent MOPS meeting I've had these two words stuck in my head: Perfectionism and Excellence. And, because the "worry and stress" that ate November has followed us into December I've been pondering these words as well as the word "should" and feeling overly anxious.
I feel so anxious at times that my stomach knots up. Will showed me these verses:
Psalm 94:18-19 I said, I am falling; but your constant love, O Lord, held me up. Whenever I am anxious and worried, you comfort me and make me glad.
Where will our new church home be?
Will we be a home school family next year?
Are we supposed to have any more children?
In Chris Thurman's talk he emphasized that a perfectionist uses the word "should" in their self talk because they are idealistic thinkers. God calls us to excellence, to think about what is true, to be realistic thinkers.
Where will our church home be...I'm weary from transition...We've been living in a state of transition for the last nine years. Here's the progression:
Are we going overseas?
Applied and denied.
Applied and accepted, enter into support raising mode. Sell condo, move into disgusting duplex. Will looses job, move in with family.
Move overseas and surprise, baby Ado is on the way.
We stay for two years instead of one. Amsterdam is "The Black Hole of Lonliness" and I suffer through PPD with no treatment.
We move back to the US to raise more support to return to Amsterdam full-time. Will travels all the time and I'm often a single parent feeling on the outside of our previous group of close friends.
We start attending a new church and develop meaningful relationships.
We decide to pursue adoption and get the call that they're ready for us...but surprise, we're 16 weeks pregnant with twins.
At 20 weeks we go to Amsterdam to evaluate if we feel called back with three small children. There's a wounding conversation with someone I had trusted, realization that we won't thrive there...there's no goodbye and we decide not to go back.
Will's job situation is different now and it makes sense for us to switch churches again just weeks before the twins are born.
It had made sense to go back to our sending church because a few life long friends were still attending. Then over time, they've left.
I'm starting to feel like I'm in the "Black Hole of Loneliness" all over again.
...etc.
On top of the stress and resulting fatigue of transition, I'm hearing the word "should" constantly with regard to home school...
I should be able to handle this...
I should home school because that is what is best for children...(really? is it what's best for my child?)
It shouldn't bother me so much to have little kids under my feet all day...
I shouldn't get so overwhelmed by the noise and mess that surrounds me with the constancy of each sunrise...
The joy is in the journey, not the destination according to Chris Thurman. But what if I'm not enjoying this season of my journey in motherhood. [gasp] I'm worn out, exhausted from transition and it's not over yet. We still don't have a church home. The details of Will's job aren't finalized. All of my planning and preparation to home school may be ripped out from under me because of my exhaustion and need for more rest.
Then there's the last question. Are we, is God, done adding children to our family?
I'm not getting younger. My preference has always been to be finished with our child bearing by 35 but I can't pretend to know the plans God has for me. I can only trust that they are good. It could be the loss talking, but I feel incomplete. We had dreamed of four, thought that was going to come true and then we saw it with our own eyes...no heart beat where one had been just a week before.
I feel like I'm falling Lord, hold me up. Comfort me and make me glad, even in this anxious time.
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